the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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