idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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