I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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