im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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