god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
