Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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