Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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