can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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