Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize