As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
