Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize