I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
