I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
