I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
