i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
