Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
