Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you didnt know i had herpes?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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