so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
