bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
