She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
