If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
