sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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