it's too hot outside to masturbate.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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