im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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