Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
