youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
