He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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