I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
