I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
nutella sex= disaster
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
