I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
