i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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