Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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