Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
