I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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