shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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