It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
