were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
