By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
