and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
