sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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