uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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