I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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