Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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