Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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