I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
