you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
