My boss' voice literally gives me gas
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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