Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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