i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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