The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize