Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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