I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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