You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
