how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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