Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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