We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
