I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
