He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I enjoy the company of your penis
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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